Random Poem

The sun shined you to me


The wind took you away from me

Left unconsious and torn

I searched through the unknown

Alone, the darkness consumed

Tearning me down

Almost defeated

The sound of my slow heart beat

Throbbing in my ears

Unwilling to succumb

Determined and resilient

I conquered the unconquerable

Career?

Lately I have been going back and forth on what I want to do for a career. I never really put much thought into what the future would hold as a teenagerkinda been a "go with the flow" person. In high school they'd try and get you to think about what you would want to do when you "grow up", well I was too busy with not caring or taking them serious. Here I am 27 without a good work history. I've worked mostly in bakeries and I enjoyed it, I wanted to get into decorating cakes. That never really worked out. Then I've thought about being a social worker or helping teenagers, as bad as it sounds I don't want to go to school for the next ten years! And I don't know if I could handle seeing some of the conditions that kids are in. I wanted to join the military...but leaving my family would be devastating for me. I wouldn't mind being a Police Officer but...when I think of the pros and cons the cons win...being shot at, or losing control of a situation...terrifying. My last interest is being a make-up artist I can barely do my own now...lol...I want to learn though but is there a demand for it? Would I even make any money doing it without moving to the east or west coast? Ugh...Poor Beau has to listen to my ever changing mind. I just haven't found that one thing that says YES!!! THAT'S IT!!! I'm going to have to go back to work and I am not looking forward to going to a minimum wage, crap job.

Moon Lake 2010

So here are some pictures of our recent adventure. Went to a beautiful lake, played basketball, volleyball, boys played catch, sat around a camp fire, s'mores,  saw some full moons, and some Indians.

Taken for granted...

I just read something that opened my eyes in a way that was much needed. That person knows who she is and I won't say much other than...thank you! And even a thank you isn't enough. I can't stop thinking about how selfish I've been lately and how I have taken the gift of mother-hood for granted.  I shouldn't be complaining that Kaylee is fussy, or Isaac is driving me crazy. I have this terrible way of letting negativity take over. From now on (I'm not perfect) but I will try and remember to be grateful for the blessings I have and to be grateful for the beautiful children I have, and the most amazing gift of being their mom, and when the negativity creeps in.... to think of those that have lost a child. To the mother's and father's that have.... words cannot express my deepest sympathies...but my heart goes out to you.

Time travel

So if you could go back in time would you? If you could change one thing what would it be? I look back at all the crazy things I did and wonder what life would of been like if I would of made different choices. The things I have done have made me who I am and I am happy with that. I have things to improve but I am me. Sometimes I wonder what life would of been like living in fast pace city, with a career. Or if I was in an ever smaller town livin the country life. I wonder how different things would be if I would of went to school and gotten involved with school activities. Would I still be where I am now? Would I still be the same person? I think if I could go back and change one thing I would of gone to school and taken full advantage of it. Joined the military. Some people would wonder why the military. I wanted to fly Apache helicopters. There is something about the sound, look, and freedom of them. They have an unmistakable presence. The military would of provided the education and the pay too. I wouldn't mind being able to travel either. Beau says I still can but I can't imagine being away from my kids. Plus I didn't get an adequate education. So here I am 27 years old without an education or a career. However I do have amazing children and the best husband anyone could ask for. I am very lucky to have the life I do now and I wouldn't trade it for anyone elses for any amount of money. All in all it's just a thought a what if or what would of been.

Failing as a parent

So I've started a blog again. Not sure how often I'll be able write, but I used to write all the time. So... super rusty, and making no sense I figured just to relieve some craziness, I would write stuff down.
Thoughts for today...
Feel a little lost. I love my children and my husband. My life would be NOTHING without them. They are my everything. When life strips you of joy and darkness seems to consume, the sweet sound of a child saying mom or the angelic sound of their laughter, the sparkle in their eyes to see you, and a smile to melt your heart, they are the shining light. Children love you for you. They don't judge, so innocent and pure. My children have brought me such happiness, I can't imagine a life without them. Which brings me to my current struggle...I want so badly to be the perfect mom and it just isn't panning out like I hope it would. When it was just me and Isaac I could give him the attention he needed and craved. Since having Kaylee I haven't been able to spend every second with him and he is acting out. I feel like all I do all day is yell at him! People say look for the good and compliment him. I do, I have, just isn't enough. He argues EVERYTHING I say even the obvious...I have blues eyes and he'd look me in the eyes and say no they are black (I know what he means but that's not the point). I told him we are going on vacation not tomorrow but the next day and he said no we are going the next day meaning tomorrow which isn't true and he continued to argue for a good five minutes!! I finally said "stop arguing with me! I know when we are going! If you know when we are going why did you ask me!?"  Not only is he arguing he's become very aggressive...he is getting stronger the bigger he gets, scares me to think what 16 is going to be like. He won't listen, and is on a huge power trip saying I'm not in charge his dad is. Breaks my heart! Before Kaylee he was an angel! He helped out, did what he was told, and would tell me ALL THE TIME he loved me and I was his favorite. If I was in another room he'd say "mom!!" I would reply and he'd say "I love you", just to know I was still there. I'd never want him to feel replaced, or unimportant. He is the beautiful, amazing, and he's my Isaac his own little person, with is own little personality, and I feel like I am losing him. I know I am not alone but it's hard to bare. Every time something like this happens I flash back to the day he was born and the nurse placing him on my stomach and his little hand clenching onto my finger not even crying just trying to focus on my face, how amazing and beautiful he was. I knew at that moment I had a purpose to my life. Another piece of my heart had been found after being lost for so long. What do I do!? I can't let him do whatever he wants and I can't continue yelling at him. I feel like I am failing as a parent. Just kills me. Heaven give me the strength and guide me to being a better mom.