Secrets

My good friend posts every Sunday a link...called Postsecrets. It's a collection of postcards from people with their secrets, and tonight was the first time I checked it out. I couldn't stop reading them. Each one different about love, life, failures, religion and well secrets. It fascinates me knowing what each person is thinking, or has thought about. Each person something different and yet some of them have crossed my mind. It was kind of reassuring that I'm not alone, or that I am not the only person with secrets. We go through life with blinders on, well at least I do thinking that I'm all alone and no one understands. Some secrets can't be shared afraid of judgement. I've always wondered looking at a person in the store, or passing a stranger if they had a secret what it would be.  Amazing that we get to have our own thoughts, and whether we share them with anyone or not is our choice. But if anyone that reads this has a secret they want to share I'd love to hear it JUDGEMENT FREE. We are human.

Holidays

So the "holidays" are here. I have to say that Christmas is not one of my favorites I used to HATE Christmas! It has gotten a little easier with help from my husband and kids. Beau makes sure EVERY year that we have a Christmas...he works so hard for us and I am so grateful. The look on Isaac's face is priceless the magic of Santa Claus. There's nothing like putting in a Christmas movie, snuggled up in our bed, snow falling outside, enjoying the quiet before the excitement of Christmas morning arrives. I can't help think of the less fortunate, so  we have been working on giving as well. I will always want him to know how important it is to give and not just receive. Santa also helps keeps Isaac doing what he's supposed to do. I know I'm a terrible mom threatening to call Santa if he disobeys but for 2-3 months or more a year a moms gotta do what a moms gotta do. I hate that Beau usually works Christmas Eve, or Christmas day, or BOTH. But if it weren't for him I don't know what we'd do. He is an amazing father and husband.
Thanksgiving is in.....2 days yes I am counting down! Beau has another talent that I am grateful for, he is an amazing cook and LOVES to cook his own turkey. I help with the other stuff but his turkeys are unbelievably good!! So I am counting down to a day off with my wonderful husband, kids, and lots of good food. I have a lot to be grateful for. So..... Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Time Out.....

Lately I feel like I should be distancing myself more and more from people. No matter how hard I try to please people it's not enough, or not the right thing. I keep trying to make people happy because it makes me happy to know I have helped someone or brightened their day. It seems it has gotten harder and harder to do. I am frustrated and worn out. I'm broken and bruised. I wear a plastic smile quite well. No one would see the defeat.  I feel selfish for even writing about it, but I have finally reached that limit. So I am apologizing in advance if I haven't been able to be the person, friend, sister, daughter, wife, or mom you've needed. I'm sorry if what you've needed from me isn't or wasn't good enough. I don't want a pity trip either. But  I am going taking a second even if it's A second.... to breathe. I can't keep giving and be left standing alone. Pieces of me have been taken and there's no one around. Maybe I'm expecting too much, setting myself up for failure. I know I'll soon be fine, but for now I need some time....for me.

Weight

Weight.....
ugh even sayin the word makes my stomach turn. I wish it wasn't even an issue. People say just be happy with who you are and I am until I see a really cute pair of jeans or shirt that doesn't come in my size or when I go shopping and go to put on the size I usually buy and they don't fit! This topic is so hard for me all my life I have struggled with my weight (as many girls do) and I look back now and think how stupid I was complaining that I was 130 lbs! I thought that was fat! I have had two kids and haven't lost any 'baby weight' and I have no motivation to go to a gym for hours, or suffer the pain of working out. It doesn't help that there is soo much good food out there and ALL of it is bad for you. I don't want to count calories or carbs. I want a quick fix and I'm not afraid to admit it.
My latest struggle is that I smoked for a good 10 years or longer and I finally quit, it was hard and now the next demon is coke ( the sweet fizzy caffeine sugar filled drink) I could drink coke all day forget boring water! I can't give it up! I am going to put in my will that I want to be hooked up to an I.V. with coke and I would be happy. So if anyone has any suggestions or has had the same problem, I'm all ears!!
Now onto the part about what to eat.... my brain cannot process eating a head of lettuce all day every day. Also I CANNOT cook! So trying to figure out what is healthy to cook (if a got a chance to cook, every time I have tried I swear Kaylee knows and cries the whole time) is a challenge in it self. I was blessed and cursed with a husband that is an AWESOME  cook I tease him that it's his fault I gained weight. I don't care to pay attention to serving sizes, carbs, calories, or fat content. When I go to eat I want something that is good and i will eat til I'm full, that's all I'm worried about. Oh and also how fast I can eat it before someone needs something or starts cryin. So I guess until I find a miracle drug out there, can afford a surgery, and finally get to that 'can't take it anymore' place.....I will continue to ride this roller coaster of content and misery. All I ask is that you love me for me and not my pant size.

Does Everyone Have Money Troubles.....?

I wonder if everyone has money problems (besides the rich obviously). Is it just us? I keep putting out in the universe that we will be financially free one day, (if you have ever heard about 'the secret')(trying to believe in it at the same time) then you know what I mean. I have boodah's throughout the house, etc. I don't expect things to just fall out of the sky and no we don't budget like we should so I KNOW IT'S OUR FAULT. We get into these modes where you go to the store and REALLY need something that you probably shouldn't get a just say screw it I'm getting it anyway. I don't want fancy cars, a mansion, or designer clothes. I don't care about getting my nails done, or going to the salon every month. I just want to be comfortable...meaning you have a major car repair or house repair I would like to know that we could pay it and be ok. I don't want people calling all day threatening to take you to court, and not having to figure out how to cut your own hair because it's been a year since the last time you went, food or diapers. I just wonder how everyone else doesn't seem to have this problem. Where did we go wrong in the beginning. I don't envy anyone else because you never know what goes on behind the doors and someone else might be going through a different kind of problem. One day our day will come and I will look back and be grateful for what I was taught through all of this and will be able to really appreciate where we have come from. Please let it come fast though!!! :)

Random Poem

The sun shined you to me


The wind took you away from me

Left unconsious and torn

I searched through the unknown

Alone, the darkness consumed

Tearning me down

Almost defeated

The sound of my slow heart beat

Throbbing in my ears

Unwilling to succumb

Determined and resilient

I conquered the unconquerable

Career?

Lately I have been going back and forth on what I want to do for a career. I never really put much thought into what the future would hold as a teenagerkinda been a "go with the flow" person. In high school they'd try and get you to think about what you would want to do when you "grow up", well I was too busy with not caring or taking them serious. Here I am 27 without a good work history. I've worked mostly in bakeries and I enjoyed it, I wanted to get into decorating cakes. That never really worked out. Then I've thought about being a social worker or helping teenagers, as bad as it sounds I don't want to go to school for the next ten years! And I don't know if I could handle seeing some of the conditions that kids are in. I wanted to join the military...but leaving my family would be devastating for me. I wouldn't mind being a Police Officer but...when I think of the pros and cons the cons win...being shot at, or losing control of a situation...terrifying. My last interest is being a make-up artist I can barely do my own now...lol...I want to learn though but is there a demand for it? Would I even make any money doing it without moving to the east or west coast? Ugh...Poor Beau has to listen to my ever changing mind. I just haven't found that one thing that says YES!!! THAT'S IT!!! I'm going to have to go back to work and I am not looking forward to going to a minimum wage, crap job.

Moon Lake 2010

So here are some pictures of our recent adventure. Went to a beautiful lake, played basketball, volleyball, boys played catch, sat around a camp fire, s'mores,  saw some full moons, and some Indians.

Taken for granted...

I just read something that opened my eyes in a way that was much needed. That person knows who she is and I won't say much other than...thank you! And even a thank you isn't enough. I can't stop thinking about how selfish I've been lately and how I have taken the gift of mother-hood for granted.  I shouldn't be complaining that Kaylee is fussy, or Isaac is driving me crazy. I have this terrible way of letting negativity take over. From now on (I'm not perfect) but I will try and remember to be grateful for the blessings I have and to be grateful for the beautiful children I have, and the most amazing gift of being their mom, and when the negativity creeps in.... to think of those that have lost a child. To the mother's and father's that have.... words cannot express my deepest sympathies...but my heart goes out to you.

Time travel

So if you could go back in time would you? If you could change one thing what would it be? I look back at all the crazy things I did and wonder what life would of been like if I would of made different choices. The things I have done have made me who I am and I am happy with that. I have things to improve but I am me. Sometimes I wonder what life would of been like living in fast pace city, with a career. Or if I was in an ever smaller town livin the country life. I wonder how different things would be if I would of went to school and gotten involved with school activities. Would I still be where I am now? Would I still be the same person? I think if I could go back and change one thing I would of gone to school and taken full advantage of it. Joined the military. Some people would wonder why the military. I wanted to fly Apache helicopters. There is something about the sound, look, and freedom of them. They have an unmistakable presence. The military would of provided the education and the pay too. I wouldn't mind being able to travel either. Beau says I still can but I can't imagine being away from my kids. Plus I didn't get an adequate education. So here I am 27 years old without an education or a career. However I do have amazing children and the best husband anyone could ask for. I am very lucky to have the life I do now and I wouldn't trade it for anyone elses for any amount of money. All in all it's just a thought a what if or what would of been.

Failing as a parent

So I've started a blog again. Not sure how often I'll be able write, but I used to write all the time. So... super rusty, and making no sense I figured just to relieve some craziness, I would write stuff down.
Thoughts for today...
Feel a little lost. I love my children and my husband. My life would be NOTHING without them. They are my everything. When life strips you of joy and darkness seems to consume, the sweet sound of a child saying mom or the angelic sound of their laughter, the sparkle in their eyes to see you, and a smile to melt your heart, they are the shining light. Children love you for you. They don't judge, so innocent and pure. My children have brought me such happiness, I can't imagine a life without them. Which brings me to my current struggle...I want so badly to be the perfect mom and it just isn't panning out like I hope it would. When it was just me and Isaac I could give him the attention he needed and craved. Since having Kaylee I haven't been able to spend every second with him and he is acting out. I feel like all I do all day is yell at him! People say look for the good and compliment him. I do, I have, just isn't enough. He argues EVERYTHING I say even the obvious...I have blues eyes and he'd look me in the eyes and say no they are black (I know what he means but that's not the point). I told him we are going on vacation not tomorrow but the next day and he said no we are going the next day meaning tomorrow which isn't true and he continued to argue for a good five minutes!! I finally said "stop arguing with me! I know when we are going! If you know when we are going why did you ask me!?"  Not only is he arguing he's become very aggressive...he is getting stronger the bigger he gets, scares me to think what 16 is going to be like. He won't listen, and is on a huge power trip saying I'm not in charge his dad is. Breaks my heart! Before Kaylee he was an angel! He helped out, did what he was told, and would tell me ALL THE TIME he loved me and I was his favorite. If I was in another room he'd say "mom!!" I would reply and he'd say "I love you", just to know I was still there. I'd never want him to feel replaced, or unimportant. He is the beautiful, amazing, and he's my Isaac his own little person, with is own little personality, and I feel like I am losing him. I know I am not alone but it's hard to bare. Every time something like this happens I flash back to the day he was born and the nurse placing him on my stomach and his little hand clenching onto my finger not even crying just trying to focus on my face, how amazing and beautiful he was. I knew at that moment I had a purpose to my life. Another piece of my heart had been found after being lost for so long. What do I do!? I can't let him do whatever he wants and I can't continue yelling at him. I feel like I am failing as a parent. Just kills me. Heaven give me the strength and guide me to being a better mom.